Mcfigg

i’ve learned that its okay to be picky

its alright to analyze and break everything down

to nit pick until you find what you want

because there are billions of people on fucking earth

and no one should have to settle

for something that’s not exactly what they want

it sounds stupid coming out

but i’m tired of setting for the same old

why should i have to look past

things that i hate hate HATE

because what

i’m too lazy to just look for better?

stupid.

people who marry their first boyfriend/girlfriend

congrats to ya’ll

sometimes people never find that one person

I met a woman

82

never married

never had kids

never engaged

and she was perfectly happy

maybe that’s what we all need to be like

just stop worrying

about who our next “love” will be

because if you never find someone

who cares

its better than settling

for someone you’ll regret later on

i look at her life

and yeah it seems empty

but she had stories

about everything she wanted to do

that she got to do

go to cancun

sky dive

fucking swim with sharks

who cares?

but she did it

and she didn’t have a worry in the world about

“who will I marry”

“will I fall in love”

i’m guilty of it

we all are

we all sit and wonder constantly about our lives

instead of just doing it

and yeah my rant is all over the place

i’m trying to fit 50,000 thoughts

into one blog

i’m just guilty of everything i’m venting of

i admit

but its like

hating a quality

and realizing

and wanting to change

and hoping people

actually read this

and get something out of what you write

because i’m just ONE person

in the whole fucking world

but maybe i just have the insight

to change something

life isn’t always about being practical, things don’t have to make sense. its about being happy, not satisfied, but happy no matter how crazy or outrageous it seems. I tried being practical with myself, hell i am when it comes to everyone else’s lives. But when I try to thing logically about situations, I never quite can come up with a solution I like. So I’m gonna continue living with my head in the clouds. People have their opinions on decisions you make and things you do, but why does it matter? If i wanna make stupid choices that make me happy, I’m going to do just that. If i’m gonna fuck my life up, who is anyone to tell me I’m wrong because its what I want? No one can, because its not their life.

I always play things safe, because I’m scared of what COULD happen. No not emotionally, but stupid things. Rollercoasters, airplanes, etc. Stupid petty things that are nothing compared to what some people might call terrifying. I’m the kinda person who will lay it out on the line. I’m not afraid to get hurt, because that is just in turn gonna make me a stronger person. So while some people are afraid to say I love you or how they feel, I’m scared of a big giant piece of metal going hundreds of miles an hour. Pretty fucking stupid. But in the end, i’d rather be scared of a tin bird than be scared to say what I need to say. I want people to know how i feel; no confusion, no mistakes, its all right there. If someone close to me disappears, I want them to know EXACTLY what I feel about them so I know that i said everything i could ever wanna say.

anyway: there’s really no point to all of this except to exasperate my undying need to share how i’m feeling with anyone who’s willing to listen.

song of the night;

“gravity” sara bareilles

So Lauren and I had this moment in the car
and its just weird
I hate change
I hate when things get complicated and just go a different way
I love simplicity
and now things are so complicated
everyone’s growing up
and going on with their lives
and making something of themselves
and its no longer all of us
its like every person and their own lives
and it sucks
i didn’t want it to ever get this way
even though we all knew it was coming
the day when we all just grow up
and make decisions about our lives for us
and no longer can just be worry free
i hate growing up
i wish i could freeze this summer
and just stay exactly the same
i dont want people to leave
and move
and just change
it sucks
i hate every part of it
i don’t want any part of this
i want everyone to stay here
and move in a giant house
and live out the rest of our lives just doing whatever we want
and having fun

but we can’t
and it sucks
and i’m just now realizing life is moving on
with or without us
and we have to make these decisions
that effect the rest of our lives

i just hate it.

She never wanted it. She never excepted it. It started out simple and turned into a complete shit fest. Now she was alone, in the wrong place at the wrong time, battling feelings she shouldn’t have in the first place. How do you  want something so badly you’ve never had? And then there was her. She looked simple, too nice almost. She didn’t expect this total stranger to begin her rain on her parade. But this girl had a right to, and thats what pissed her off the most. A year of her life had been wasted just to receive vulgar messages every couple days from a paranoid and upset girlfriend. And for what? What was she possibly going through that would require this much endurment of pure hatred from this chick? Him. That’s what she was thinking as she frantically checked every possible form of contact between the two just to make sure this girl hadn’t taken everything. He is the reason for all of this. She should resent him for the things that had happened or for the things that had happened within the past year, but she couldn’t. She tried so hard; she knew it’d be easier to just delete him from her life, but as much as she tried, she couldn’t muster up the courage to click a button. There was no way that someone worth going through this much could be so easily dropped. She thought back to when the days were easier, when the conversation came more fluently and his face was a friendly reminder of what she had waiting for her in the future. Now, all she has is the thought of his new life that was beginning with someone else. But in return, she had someone here, in her own place. This boy whom she loved dearly,but lately had rarely given her the time of day. She couldn’t help but wonder, what would it be like? What If she just jumped in the car and found out, what would that solve? What if things took off? What if he was what life was about? What if he was what she had been desperately searching for all the years of romance novels, sappy flicks and cartons of store bought, freezer burnt rocky road. She tried not to dwell on what had once been, because that would only cause more hurt. But how could she not remember their late night/early morning conversations that left them both exhausted for their separate lives the next day. She remembered the nights they would fall asleep together, hundreds of miles apart yet right beside one another. Maybe this is what life is about she thought. Maybe this is what makes us stronger. Maybe no matter what the past brought, its about the present and the choices we make. The only thing she knew is that one day she would make that drive, she would figure it out,she would tell him how she felt..she would show him. she just hoped it wouldn’t be too late once she finally got there, she hoped he hadn’t already decided that life without her might just be easier.

These past couple of days have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience. I think the hardest part is not knowing anything at all. It was like an intense movie and suddenly the end is a cliff hanger. The past two nights I’ve been replaying things and all I am is scared. What if there’s someone better? What if i couldn’t do enough to keep someone around? I’d like to think that I did everything I could possibly do to be the best, but I’ve made so many mistakes and I realize that now. I thought all love was was the passion, the rush, the butterflies. But love now to me is someone you can be yourself around, you could see the rest of your life with, someone who is your best friend and all you wanna do is share everything with them. I’ve lost my best friend, and now I’m just stuck. Where exactly do you go when you have already gotten your life figured out? I work five days a week; I guess that’s enough to keep me preoccupied. I’ll be starting school soon; that should fill up my schedule. But besides all that, and friends/family, what else? I hate that people keep telling me “oh there’s better out there” or “you’ll find someone new”. Fuck that. Obviously people don’t understand the meaning of love. When you love someone, you don’t want anyone else. No one else appeals to you anymore. Yes I still find people attractive, but I look at them and I can’t see anything besides looks. Its almost like looking into the future when you see the person, you just see everything you could ever want in a split second. Losing that..its not something they prepare you for in school or anywhere at all. There’s nothing that can prepare you for getting the rug pulled from under your feet. So what to do now? I could sulk around all the time and feel sorry for myself. I could beg and plead and make matters worse. Or I can pick myself up and do what I’ve been doing for the past 19 years; deal with life. There is nothing in the world I can possibly do to change what happened, and I’ve accepted that (and i’ve tried everything). So I will work 5 days a week, I will keep myself busy with friends and family, I will have me time, I will use shopping as therapy, I’ll chain smoke and drink beer, I will do anything I want. There is no use in beating myself up over something I have no control over. As much as I want things to work, its no longer in my hands, and thats the worst part. I can’t call or text when I want and fix things. I am the begger. I am the griever. I am the pathetic girl who replays Taylor Swift songs to make me feel better. I will spend endless nights in instead of going out. I will take multiple hour long bubble baths. I will give myself a hundred makeovers to try and change. I have no power in this situation. All I can do is wait. Wait for something to happen, and if it never does, well then I guess I will deal with that when it comes. As much as I want things to go the way I want them to, I can’t do anything about it. If I could of done anything more than I did, tell me now. But if putting everything out in the open and opening up more than I have with anyone else didn’t work, it wasn’t supposed to. All i know is that I’m gonna face it head on; everything in this fucking house is going to remind me of it, everywhere I go, songs, movies, shows, music, everything. And there isn’t a damn thing I can do except face it head on which is exactly what I’m going to do. I may be in love, I may be heartbroken, I may be confused, I may feel pathetic, but hey, shit happens. Deal with it and better yourself.